Free

Month 4 is turning out to be not quite as bad for me. Although I am aware that this could change at any second and I will possibly have a breakdown.  As in my last post about smiles, I have been finding more and more reasons to smile lately. My week without the girls actually turned out to be one of the best weeks I have had in a very long time. I really enjoyed it. I enjoyed being spontaneous. I dont know that I have ever been able to be spontaneous like that in my entire life. I was so young when I became a wife and a mother. It is all I have ever known. Last week I felt more alive than I have in 4 months, and I felt a happiness I dont know that I have ever felt in my entire life. Last week I felt so free.  I will always cherish what I had with Jason. I love the life we built together. But since I have a new path I am going on now, I have a new chance to discover amazing things about myself. What I do have to remind myself of though is that it takes time. I need to be careful when my emotions are still raw.   But wow my new found freedom is changing me in ways  that I never thought possible. Unexpected things have happened. I have a feeling even more unexpected things will happen. Maybe they will be good, maybe they will cause more heartache and pain, although I sometimes think that there is no way that my pain could get any worse. I know Jason is helping me and supporting me every step of the way. I miss him every day. I think I will miss him every day for the rest of my life, no matter what the future holds for me. On this new path I am learning to be strong.  In the midst of confusion and pain I am alive, and  I am free.