I instead of WE

 5 months ago today was the last time I saw him and spoke to him alive.  I sometimes feel like I dont know what I am doing. I have been with him since I was 18 years old, a baby right out of high school. Now I dont know who I am or who I should be as a single adult. I  never had to experience being a single adult before, and now there are all these questions coming up. Who am I really? What do I want? What do I like? What do I believe?  It was always all about him...or us.  For the most part, I liked what he liked, I followed him everywhere and supported him. I took care of him and the girls. It is all I have ever known. Now that I dont have him to take care of anymore, sometimes I feel so lost and without a purpose. This journey is one crazy ride. I am surving it because I have no choice. I do have good days. I do find reasons to be happy.  But missing him really taks over at times. Grief combined with learning how to be I instead of WE  is not an easy task.  It really is a strange feeling, to be 36 years old, and learning how to be a single adult, combined with dealing with grief.  I am not quite sure how I feel about it yet. I am sure eventually some good will come out of my learning how to be I.  But for now I sit and comtemplate how to become I while missing him and wishing it was still WE.

Blue Dragonflies

9 days to go until 5 months. I always seem to get bad as the date approaches, the week leading up to it, then often the day doesnt turn out to be as bad. I have learned that I really dont know how I am going to react at any given moment, and I just have to let it happen. I miss him like crazy, but I am moving forward, getting through each day even though some days I don't want to.  When I go to the cemetery, I usually pray. I cry. I talk to Jason.  The other day, when I was there talking to Jason, I saw one bright blue dragonfly among several brown dragonflies, right near the gravesite. That dragonfly gave me comfort and hope hovering right over the gravesite.  Comfort that I know he is always watching over us,  and hope that I can make the neccessary changes in my life that need to happen.  I read somewhere that dragonflies represent movement and change.  Exactly where I think I am headed in my life right now, and Jason is guiding me every step of the way.


We are on our last trip of this fabulous summer in San Francisco. I have not been here in a long time. It is really fun to be here, brings back a lot of childhood memories. Spending time with my aunt who lives right here in the city is wonderful too.  The girls have never been here, it has been exciting to see them enjoy the city.  Today we did alot of touristy things. We rode the cable cars, we went to Swensens ice cream, of course we had to do that and pay tribute to my ice cream grandma. I even got strawberry ice cream, just like I did when I was little. Then  we went down near Fishermans Wharf and  Ghirardelli Square,  had a picnic lunch near the water, and of course we bought some Ghirardelli chocolate. Then we went to China Town. The girls had fun looking in all the shops in China Town. Tomorrow is Karissa's golden birthday. She will be 17 on the 17th!  We are celebrating by going to lunch at a tearoom then having birthday cake later on tomorrow night.  Tomorrow we also  plan on going to the Golden Gate bridge, and then we will see where else the day takes us.

 Drangonflies.   Trips.   Birthdays.   What a life!

My Story

Karissa came back from EFY excited that I would really love this song.  I cried listening to it of course, and it fits what I am thinking and feeling right now. I love it. Totally me!  

My Story

when I was a little girl I'd write fairytales
and wonder if they could happen to me
now I see this is my once upon a time
I am the daughter of a king
with every choice that I make
I write the next page

I don't know all the twists and the turns
but my journey is clear
I'm a child of infinite worth
there's a reason I'm here
I'll follow the path that's before me
this is my story

there are days when it seems
the road infront of me is falling apart
and that I can't find my way
but I learned how to rely
on the burning light I have within me
and I'll find faith to move forward
til I can see
just where it leads

I don't know all the twists and the turns
but my journey is clear
I'm a child of infinite worth
there's a reason I'm here
I'll follow the path that's before me
this is my story

through every chapter
my fathers love helps me know who I am
my ever afters a beautiful part
of his bigger plan

I don't know all the twists and the turns
but my journey is clear
I'm a child of infinite worth
there's a reason I'm here
I'll follow the path that's before me
this is my story
this is my story

Free

Month 4 is turning out to be not quite as bad for me. Although I am aware that this could change at any second and I will possibly have a breakdown.  As in my last post about smiles, I have been finding more and more reasons to smile lately. My week without the girls actually turned out to be one of the best weeks I have had in a very long time. I really enjoyed it. I enjoyed being spontaneous. I dont know that I have ever been able to be spontaneous like that in my entire life. I was so young when I became a wife and a mother. It is all I have ever known. Last week I felt more alive than I have in 4 months, and I felt a happiness I dont know that I have ever felt in my entire life. Last week I felt so free.  I will always cherish what I had with Jason. I love the life we built together. But since I have a new path I am going on now, I have a new chance to discover amazing things about myself. What I do have to remind myself of though is that it takes time. I need to be careful when my emotions are still raw.   But wow my new found freedom is changing me in ways  that I never thought possible. Unexpected things have happened. I have a feeling even more unexpected things will happen. Maybe they will be good, maybe they will cause more heartache and pain, although I sometimes think that there is no way that my pain could get any worse. I know Jason is helping me and supporting me every step of the way. I miss him every day. I think I will miss him every day for the rest of my life, no matter what the future holds for me. On this new path I am learning to be strong.  In the midst of confusion and pain I am alive, and  I am free.