Friday, July 20, 2012
Smile
So we went on vacation and it was a lot of fun. We had a good time even though some parts were more emotional. We went to the beach, to Disneyland and a Dodger game. Even though it was hard to do without him, I think the girls and I learned that we still have the ability to smile.
Next week will be a challenge for me. I will be alone without the girls on tuesday, wednesday and thursday. When I made these plans, I did not realize what days of the month this would fall on. The 24th and the 25th are especially hard days of the month for me right now. I am working on finding a way to stay happy on these days. Hopefully my plans will come through. This month it will be 4 months. I cant believe it. In some ways it feels like forever. In other ways it feels like it was just yesterday. A friend of mine told me that I need to try and focus on happy thoughts. As hard as that is to do, I know that is what I need to do. Anyone who knows Jason well knows that if we could hear him right now he would be saying "Piggy quit your wallorwhooin' and live your life!!!" Well J baby... if you were here I wouldn't need to be wallorwhooin' now would I? hahaha. I will love you forever. I always have and I always will. For you, I will try and smile.
a poem
I have always liked to write. Here is a poem I wrote at about 2 1/2 months out I think. It has been a long time since I have written any poems or stories. One day I will tell Jasons story. It might be years from now. But one day it deserves to be told. This poem is not Jasons story, more about the emotional craziness I go through, I guess.
I can fly to the stars
I want to be with you.
I can fly to the moon.
Without you my love, I cease to try.
The tears fall and I feel you.
I want to be loved. Feel your touch.
I made mistakes. I still love you.
What we had doesn’t happen every day.
What we had is a miracle .
it only happens once
in a thousand lifetimes.
Why me? Why was I chosen?
Am I angry?
Hurt, sad, upset
Dark.
Since I will never love again.
I tried. It failed. Too soon?
What we could have had.
Emotions.
I feel dead inside.
I question faith.
Make it stop.
I don’t know how.
I know it is wrong.
Desperate. Crazy?
Lonely.
Feel my love forever.
I see you now.
Sing to me. Laugh with me. Love with me.
And all will be well.
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
Chapter 2
someone I was chatting with the other night inspired me to start blogging again. I think this is a good time. Write down what I am feeling. Write down more of my dreams. Document what has been the last few months and what will be as I go through this new stage of my life. A widow/widower support website I have been going to calls it chapter 2. I really like that a lot. my life has been forever changed and will never ever be the same, so to call it a new chapter seems very fitting.
Nobody, unless you have experienced it can even begin to fathom the pain of losing the love of your life. I compare it often to Bella in New Moon when Edward leaves her (yeah I know me and my goofy Twilight obsession) but it is true. There is a constant hole in my chest. It never goes away. He is missing and all I want is him back.
I am thinking things now that even 3 months ago whe it happened I never ever thought I would be thinking the way I am. I question so much. Anyone who knows me well knows that I used to be one of those super perky happy morning people. Ready to start the day bright and new and fresh! Now I cant sleep, I hardly eat, I cant remember anything, I function because I have to. I welcome sleep when it comes because then the pain is gone. Every single emotion that is out there, I have experienced. I have dealt with more emotion in the last 3 months than I ever thought humanly possible.
I am told it gets better. and I think it will. I get signs from him. some are more prominate than others. Like where I think I really feel him close. Sometimes it is just a song on the radio, or a blue bird. A Dodger blue bird of course!
from the online support group I have been going to. here is a glimpse of what I feel. Although nobody else can understand my personal grief and what it is really like for me to have my soul mate ripped away, this is so beautifully written I wanted to share.
Unique and Devastating Loss
With the death of our spouse (which here includes fiancée, significant other,
partner, etc.), we grieve the loss of so much more than someone we merely
loved or were close to, like a parent, grandparent, sibling, friend or pet. We
grieve instead the loss of: The one we loved most deeply, cherished and felt
the very closest to. The one we swore commitment to in that unique human
bond of marriage, which many consider sacred. The one we shared the
ultimate partnership with to live as one and perhaps bear children with. The
one who embodied our true sense of home. The one who was our best friend
and who was to be our companion for life. The one we confided in, depended
on and trusted most. The one who really knew, understood and accepted us
as we were. The one we felt safe and protected with. The one we shared
private moments and intimate feelings with. The one we mated souls with.
But it is not just that this most precious person has been torn from our life,
as unbearably heartbreaking as that alone is. With the death of our spouse,
and only of our spouse, many additional profound losses must be grieved as
well. For we also suffer: The loss of who we ourselves were while with them.
The loss of the couple we were once half of. The loss of the life partnership
we once formed. The loss of the husband or wife role we once embraced.
The loss of the life we once lived. The loss of the plans we once made. The
loss of the dreams we once shared. The loss of the future we once envisioned.
Amidst all this, we are also suddenly confronted with many hardships we
never expected to face at this point in our life. Besides financial survival,
increased domestic burdens and perhaps single parenting, additional
challenges less apparent to others but all too real and terrifying to us. We
must now find it within ourselves: To create a new identity. To redefine
our role in life. To establish a new connection to the world. To build a new
network of social relationships. To discover a new sense of purpose. To
formulate a new set of goals. To decide on a new direction for our future.
And we must accomplish these without dishonoring our former life, but while
suppressing bittersweet memories of that life, so that they not hold us back.
Memories of happier times mostly, but also those of our spouse’s death,
either sudden and shocking or after prolonged illness. We must further
endure the feelings of guilt and disloyalty that follow us as we attempt to
forget and move forward, but with our heartstrings tied so tightly to the past.
And all these tasks must be taken on at the lowest possible point of our life in
the worst state imaginable. When we are the weakest, most vulnerable, most
insecure, most isolated, most heartbroken and most emotionally exhausted
we have ever been. Without that one person we long ago became accustomed
to relying on to help get us through life's greatest challenges. The one who,
just by being there, would have provided us emotional comfort and moral
support to draw upon, as well as the strength and confidence we need to
complete those tasks and so much more. But now we face all this alone.
Profound indeed is the death of our spouse. Unique and devastating. For
nearly all of us, much more catastrophic to our life than the loss of any other.
And truly comparable, many of us widows and widowers often feel, to one
other death only. Ours.
Nobody, unless you have experienced it can even begin to fathom the pain of losing the love of your life. I compare it often to Bella in New Moon when Edward leaves her (yeah I know me and my goofy Twilight obsession) but it is true. There is a constant hole in my chest. It never goes away. He is missing and all I want is him back.
I am thinking things now that even 3 months ago whe it happened I never ever thought I would be thinking the way I am. I question so much. Anyone who knows me well knows that I used to be one of those super perky happy morning people. Ready to start the day bright and new and fresh! Now I cant sleep, I hardly eat, I cant remember anything, I function because I have to. I welcome sleep when it comes because then the pain is gone. Every single emotion that is out there, I have experienced. I have dealt with more emotion in the last 3 months than I ever thought humanly possible.
I am told it gets better. and I think it will. I get signs from him. some are more prominate than others. Like where I think I really feel him close. Sometimes it is just a song on the radio, or a blue bird. A Dodger blue bird of course!
from the online support group I have been going to. here is a glimpse of what I feel. Although nobody else can understand my personal grief and what it is really like for me to have my soul mate ripped away, this is so beautifully written I wanted to share.
Unique and Devastating Loss
With the death of our spouse (which here includes fiancée, significant other,
partner, etc.), we grieve the loss of so much more than someone we merely
loved or were close to, like a parent, grandparent, sibling, friend or pet. We
grieve instead the loss of: The one we loved most deeply, cherished and felt
the very closest to. The one we swore commitment to in that unique human
bond of marriage, which many consider sacred. The one we shared the
ultimate partnership with to live as one and perhaps bear children with. The
one who embodied our true sense of home. The one who was our best friend
and who was to be our companion for life. The one we confided in, depended
on and trusted most. The one who really knew, understood and accepted us
as we were. The one we felt safe and protected with. The one we shared
private moments and intimate feelings with. The one we mated souls with.
But it is not just that this most precious person has been torn from our life,
as unbearably heartbreaking as that alone is. With the death of our spouse,
and only of our spouse, many additional profound losses must be grieved as
well. For we also suffer: The loss of who we ourselves were while with them.
The loss of the couple we were once half of. The loss of the life partnership
we once formed. The loss of the husband or wife role we once embraced.
The loss of the life we once lived. The loss of the plans we once made. The
loss of the dreams we once shared. The loss of the future we once envisioned.
Amidst all this, we are also suddenly confronted with many hardships we
never expected to face at this point in our life. Besides financial survival,
increased domestic burdens and perhaps single parenting, additional
challenges less apparent to others but all too real and terrifying to us. We
must now find it within ourselves: To create a new identity. To redefine
our role in life. To establish a new connection to the world. To build a new
network of social relationships. To discover a new sense of purpose. To
formulate a new set of goals. To decide on a new direction for our future.
And we must accomplish these without dishonoring our former life, but while
suppressing bittersweet memories of that life, so that they not hold us back.
Memories of happier times mostly, but also those of our spouse’s death,
either sudden and shocking or after prolonged illness. We must further
endure the feelings of guilt and disloyalty that follow us as we attempt to
forget and move forward, but with our heartstrings tied so tightly to the past.
And all these tasks must be taken on at the lowest possible point of our life in
the worst state imaginable. When we are the weakest, most vulnerable, most
insecure, most isolated, most heartbroken and most emotionally exhausted
we have ever been. Without that one person we long ago became accustomed
to relying on to help get us through life's greatest challenges. The one who,
just by being there, would have provided us emotional comfort and moral
support to draw upon, as well as the strength and confidence we need to
complete those tasks and so much more. But now we face all this alone.
Profound indeed is the death of our spouse. Unique and devastating. For
nearly all of us, much more catastrophic to our life than the loss of any other.
And truly comparable, many of us widows and widowers often feel, to one
other death only. Ours.
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