I instead of WE

 5 months ago today was the last time I saw him and spoke to him alive.  I sometimes feel like I dont know what I am doing. I have been with him since I was 18 years old, a baby right out of high school. Now I dont know who I am or who I should be as a single adult. I  never had to experience being a single adult before, and now there are all these questions coming up. Who am I really? What do I want? What do I like? What do I believe?  It was always all about him...or us.  For the most part, I liked what he liked, I followed him everywhere and supported him. I took care of him and the girls. It is all I have ever known. Now that I dont have him to take care of anymore, sometimes I feel so lost and without a purpose. This journey is one crazy ride. I am surving it because I have no choice. I do have good days. I do find reasons to be happy.  But missing him really taks over at times. Grief combined with learning how to be I instead of WE  is not an easy task.  It really is a strange feeling, to be 36 years old, and learning how to be a single adult, combined with dealing with grief.  I am not quite sure how I feel about it yet. I am sure eventually some good will come out of my learning how to be I.  But for now I sit and comtemplate how to become I while missing him and wishing it was still WE.

Blue Dragonflies

9 days to go until 5 months. I always seem to get bad as the date approaches, the week leading up to it, then often the day doesnt turn out to be as bad. I have learned that I really dont know how I am going to react at any given moment, and I just have to let it happen. I miss him like crazy, but I am moving forward, getting through each day even though some days I don't want to.  When I go to the cemetery, I usually pray. I cry. I talk to Jason.  The other day, when I was there talking to Jason, I saw one bright blue dragonfly among several brown dragonflies, right near the gravesite. That dragonfly gave me comfort and hope hovering right over the gravesite.  Comfort that I know he is always watching over us,  and hope that I can make the neccessary changes in my life that need to happen.  I read somewhere that dragonflies represent movement and change.  Exactly where I think I am headed in my life right now, and Jason is guiding me every step of the way.


We are on our last trip of this fabulous summer in San Francisco. I have not been here in a long time. It is really fun to be here, brings back a lot of childhood memories. Spending time with my aunt who lives right here in the city is wonderful too.  The girls have never been here, it has been exciting to see them enjoy the city.  Today we did alot of touristy things. We rode the cable cars, we went to Swensens ice cream, of course we had to do that and pay tribute to my ice cream grandma. I even got strawberry ice cream, just like I did when I was little. Then  we went down near Fishermans Wharf and  Ghirardelli Square,  had a picnic lunch near the water, and of course we bought some Ghirardelli chocolate. Then we went to China Town. The girls had fun looking in all the shops in China Town. Tomorrow is Karissa's golden birthday. She will be 17 on the 17th!  We are celebrating by going to lunch at a tearoom then having birthday cake later on tomorrow night.  Tomorrow we also  plan on going to the Golden Gate bridge, and then we will see where else the day takes us.

 Drangonflies.   Trips.   Birthdays.   What a life!

My Story

Karissa came back from EFY excited that I would really love this song.  I cried listening to it of course, and it fits what I am thinking and feeling right now. I love it. Totally me!  

My Story

when I was a little girl I'd write fairytales
and wonder if they could happen to me
now I see this is my once upon a time
I am the daughter of a king
with every choice that I make
I write the next page

I don't know all the twists and the turns
but my journey is clear
I'm a child of infinite worth
there's a reason I'm here
I'll follow the path that's before me
this is my story

there are days when it seems
the road infront of me is falling apart
and that I can't find my way
but I learned how to rely
on the burning light I have within me
and I'll find faith to move forward
til I can see
just where it leads

I don't know all the twists and the turns
but my journey is clear
I'm a child of infinite worth
there's a reason I'm here
I'll follow the path that's before me
this is my story

through every chapter
my fathers love helps me know who I am
my ever afters a beautiful part
of his bigger plan

I don't know all the twists and the turns
but my journey is clear
I'm a child of infinite worth
there's a reason I'm here
I'll follow the path that's before me
this is my story
this is my story

Free

Month 4 is turning out to be not quite as bad for me. Although I am aware that this could change at any second and I will possibly have a breakdown.  As in my last post about smiles, I have been finding more and more reasons to smile lately. My week without the girls actually turned out to be one of the best weeks I have had in a very long time. I really enjoyed it. I enjoyed being spontaneous. I dont know that I have ever been able to be spontaneous like that in my entire life. I was so young when I became a wife and a mother. It is all I have ever known. Last week I felt more alive than I have in 4 months, and I felt a happiness I dont know that I have ever felt in my entire life. Last week I felt so free.  I will always cherish what I had with Jason. I love the life we built together. But since I have a new path I am going on now, I have a new chance to discover amazing things about myself. What I do have to remind myself of though is that it takes time. I need to be careful when my emotions are still raw.   But wow my new found freedom is changing me in ways  that I never thought possible. Unexpected things have happened. I have a feeling even more unexpected things will happen. Maybe they will be good, maybe they will cause more heartache and pain, although I sometimes think that there is no way that my pain could get any worse. I know Jason is helping me and supporting me every step of the way. I miss him every day. I think I will miss him every day for the rest of my life, no matter what the future holds for me. On this new path I am learning to be strong.  In the midst of confusion and pain I am alive, and  I am free.

Smile

So we went on vacation and it was a lot of fun. We had a good time even though some parts were more emotional. We went to the beach, to Disneyland and a Dodger game. Even though it was hard to do without him, I think  the girls and I learned that we  still have the ability to smile.

Next week will be a challenge for me. I will be alone without the girls on tuesday, wednesday and thursday. When I made these plans, I did not realize what days of the month this would fall on.  The 24th and the 25th are especially hard days of the month for me right now. I am working on finding a way to stay happy on these days. Hopefully my plans will come through. This month it will be 4 months. I cant believe it. In some ways it feels like forever. In other ways it feels like it was just yesterday.  A friend of mine told me that I need to try and focus on happy thoughts. As hard as that is to do, I know that is what I need to do. Anyone who knows Jason well knows that if we could hear him right now he would be saying "Piggy quit your wallorwhooin' and live your life!!!"  Well J baby... if you were here I wouldn't need to be wallorwhooin' now would I? hahaha.  I  will love you forever. I always have and I always will.  For you, I will try and smile.

a poem

I have always liked to write. Here is a poem I wrote at about 2 1/2 months out I think. It has been a long time since I have written any poems or stories. One day I will tell Jasons story. It might be years from now. But one day it deserves to be told. This poem is not Jasons story, more about the emotional craziness I go through, I guess.

I can fly to the stars

I can fly to the moon.

Without you my love, I cease to try.

The tears fall and I feel you.

I want to be loved. Feel your touch.

I made mistakes. I still love you.

What we had doesn’t happen every day.

What we had is a miracle .

it only happens once

in a thousand lifetimes.

Why me? Why was I chosen?

Am I angry?

Hurt, sad, upset

Dark.

I want to be with you.

Since I will never love again.

I tried. It failed. Too soon?

What we could have had.

Emotions.

I feel dead inside.

I question faith.

Make it stop.

I don’t know how.

I know it is wrong.

Desperate. Crazy?

Lonely.

Feel my love forever.

I see you now.

Sing to me. Laugh with me. Love with me.

And all will be well.

Chapter 2

someone I was chatting with the other night inspired me to start blogging again.  I think this is a good time. Write down what I am feeling. Write down more of my dreams. Document what has been the last few months and what will be as I go through this new stage of my life. A widow/widower support website I have been going to calls it chapter 2. I really like that a lot. my life has been forever changed and will never ever be the same, so to call it a new chapter seems very fitting.   


Nobody, unless you have experienced it can even begin to fathom the pain of losing the love of your life. I compare it often to Bella in New Moon when Edward leaves her (yeah I know me and my goofy Twilight obsession)  but it is true. There is a constant hole in my chest. It never goes away. He is missing and all I want is him back.


I am thinking things now that even 3 months ago whe it happened I never ever thought I would be thinking the way I am. I question so much. Anyone who knows me well knows that I used to be one of those super perky happy morning people. Ready to start the day bright and new and fresh! Now I cant sleep, I hardly eat, I cant remember anything, I function because I have to. I welcome sleep when it comes because then the pain is gone.  Every single emotion that is out there, I have experienced. I have dealt with more  emotion in the last 3 months than I ever thought humanly possible.


I am told it gets better.  and I think it will.  I get signs from him. some are more prominate than others. Like where I think I really feel him close. Sometimes it is just a song on the radio, or a blue bird. A Dodger blue bird of course!  

from the online support group I have been going to. here is a glimpse of what I feel. Although nobody else can understand my personal grief and what it is really like for me to have my soul mate ripped away, this is so beautifully written I wanted to share.

Unique and Devastating Loss
With the death of our spouse (which here includes fiancée, significant other,
partner, etc.), we grieve the loss of so much more than someone we merely
loved or were close to, like a parent, grandparent, sibling, friend or pet. We
grieve instead the loss of: The one we loved most deeply, cherished and felt
the very closest to. The one we swore commitment to in that unique human
bond of marriage, which many consider sacred. The one we shared the
ultimate partnership with to live as one and perhaps bear children with. The
one who embodied our true sense of home. The one who was our best friend
and who was to be our companion for life. The one we confided in, depended
on and trusted most. The one who really knew, understood and accepted us
as we were. The one we felt safe and protected with. The one we shared
private moments and intimate feelings with. The one we mated souls with.

But it is not just that this most precious person has been torn from our life,
as unbearably heartbreaking as that alone is. With the death of our spouse,
and only of our spouse, many additional profound losses must be grieved as
well. For we also suffer: The loss of who we ourselves were while with them.
The loss of the couple we were once half of. The loss of the life partnership
we once formed. The loss of the husband or wife role we once embraced.
The loss of the life we once lived. The loss of the plans we once made. The
loss of the dreams we once shared. The loss of the future we once envisioned.

Amidst all this, we are also suddenly confronted with many hardships we
never expected to face at this point in our life. Besides financial survival,
increased domestic burdens and perhaps single parenting, additional
challenges less apparent to others but all too real and terrifying to us. We
must now find it within ourselves: To create a new identity. To redefine
our role in life. To establish a new connection to the world. To build a new
network of social relationships. To discover a new sense of purpose. To
formulate a new set of goals. To decide on a new direction for our future.

And we must accomplish these without dishonoring our former life, but while
suppressing bittersweet memories of that life, so that they not hold us back.
Memories of happier times mostly, but also those of our spouse’s death,
either sudden and shocking or after prolonged illness. We must further
endure the feelings of guilt and disloyalty that follow us as we attempt to
forget and move forward, but with our heartstrings tied so tightly to the past.

And all these tasks must be taken on at the lowest possible point of our life in
the worst state imaginable. When we are the weakest, most vulnerable, most
insecure, most isolated, most heartbroken and most emotionally exhausted
we have ever been. Without that one person we long ago became accustomed
to relying on to help get us through life's greatest challenges. The one who,
just by being there, would have provided us emotional comfort and moral
support to draw upon, as well as the strength and confidence we need to
complete those tasks and so much more. But now we face all this alone.

Profound indeed is the death of our spouse. Unique and devastating. For
nearly all of us, much more catastrophic to our life than the loss of any other.
And truly comparable, many of us widows and widowers often feel, to one
other death only. Ours.

present centerpiece

 I have always thought that presents would make an affordable  cute centerpiece for a wedding reception.  I think this would work especially well if your wedding is bold bright colors, such as brighter blues, pinks, purples or even orange.  But if more elegant is the look you are going for, that could be easy with the right shape, style and colors, there are endless possibilities!  Maybe not exactly like these pictures but you get the idea.  I always have pictured 3 presents with big  flowy bows like the pink bow in the picture,  and then for something extra if needed, the presents can be placed on  a tabletop mirror.  you can wrap them in wrapping paper to coordinate with your wedding colors, or even fabric! fabric might hold up a little better.  The ribbon should be wired ribbon so you can form it the way you want. Then on the tags of the presents could be the name of the table if you have assigned tables. Or you can come up with creative themed names. Another idea  is on the tag on the present is the name of a song, so when that song plays at the reception, everyone sitting at that table has to get up and dance.  Like I said before, the possibilities are endless with what you can do with a centerpiece like this!

Princess Party

Another fun one that I have done a few times, especially since I have girls is a Princess Party. There are so many fun things you can do at a princess party. Invites can say something like Here Ye Here Ye you are invited to a royal celebration in honor of....Please join us at the .....Castle to celebrate Princess....birthday! have the kids come dressed up like princesses and princes or knights. Some ideas for a fabulous princess party. you can make tiaras and jewelry for an activity. I have done this out of beads and pipe cleaners, it is a hit and very easy, even for kids as young as 4 or 5. They also sell tiara kits out of the foam stuff which can be fun. One of the times I did this party, I pre made circle tiaras out of the wired garland with stars, you can find it at the dollar store, and as each child arrived, I announced their name as they came in the door, for example "Announcing Princess or Prince.....and then I put the crown on their head, then I took their picture in front of a castle poster I had got. Then I had bought stuff to make picture frames, I got one of those princess foam sticker kits and beads and sequins, and magnets, and while the kids were decorating the picture frames I printed off each picture I had taken , and they got to put it in the frame and take it home as a favor. I also made magic wishing dust and princess kisses (hershey kisses) for party favors. The magic wishing dust was fine glitter put into those little plastic bubble bottles. they could take it out side and blow the dust, to make all their princess dreams come true! super cute and a hit!

50's party ideas

one of my favorite party ideas that I have done a couple of times is a 50's theme. Have a the kids come dressed 50's style and there are a few different games and things you can do. For games, do drag races using little toy cars and straws. the kids divide into two teams in a relay race line and everyone gets their own straw, then they have make the car move by blowing on the straw. Another fun game is the bubble gum game. put a piece of bubble gum on a plate and cover it with whip cream. the kids have to find the gum in the whipped cream without using their hands, then blow a bubble. the first one to blow a bubble wins! Prizes for the games can be nail polish, a scarf, a comb, candy, the little toy cars for the boys,  and 50's style sunglasses, anything really!   Play 50's music, and have a 50's dance party. As a favor I put together a CD with all the songs and labels that say thanks for coming to bop till you drop with us! or something like that. for food, you can serve hamburgers and fries and rootbeer floats or have an ice cream sundae bar. super fun and cute. this has always been a hit when I have done this party!