the poet in me

I have been writing poems since I was about 10 years old. I have journals full of them, and since having a computer many saved in a file on my computer. Recently for my English class we had to do a poetry assignment in which I wrote a few new poems and then revamped a couple of old ones.  I am not by any stretch a professional poet, but I love to write. I write what I feel. I write what I know. I write for the moment and about my journey through life.  Here are the few I wrote for my class.  Enjoy.

Piggy

Pigs with their pink snouts

snorting and playing in the mud

eating slop from a trough.

Not supposed to be very pretty.

But what is pretty anyway?

Maybe pretty is a doll?

with shiny hair

bright eyes and a perfect body.

Or a celebrity

always in the spotlight

airbrushed to perfection

in all the magazines.

Not like a pig at all.

Yet Pig is in me.

Proud am I,

of it too.

I am content

and I think I am pretty.

I will always be

 the Piggy that I am.

Blue Dragonflies

As tears fall

I see a glint of blue

flying fast

then hovering

right where you

should be.

Now everywhere I go

blue dragonflies

come to life

for me.

They promise

strength, hope

and good things to come

as I heal.

With the help

of their fast wings

they carry me through

and remind me

that not all is lost.

Showing me the way

comforting me

and letting me know

you are always very near.

Broken Heart

Shattered and

impossible to repair.

Once it breaks

it doesn’t  go

back together

in the same way.

Sometimes it is easy,

sometimes it is hard,

and hidden so well!

Behind a smile.

Behind eyes

that only show

hints of sadness

and glimpses

of things past.

Search deep

and carry on

without the pieces

that will never fit

into place again.

                                      Happy                               

I remember when

in my  darkest time

you found me.

Picked me up

out of the abyss

I was sinking into.

You lifted me up

carried my soul,

and showed me light.

Happy

in ways I thought

had been lost.

A minute never goes by,

that I don’t think of him.

An hour never goes by,

that I don’t think of you.

A day never goes by,

that I don’t think of us.

Happy

The reasons they

brought us to be

what we are,

I don’t understand.

 All I know

 is that it was you

who rescued me.

Together now.

Happy.

Missing Glass

They were supposed to rescue me

instead they me a prisoner

in my own house

Doing their bidding

all the time.

Friends were animals,

mice, dogs, horses

that I whispered to alone.

Told them of my wishes

and dreams

for a better life.

How do I become free?

I wait for the chance

that never seems to come.

So many obstacles

in the way.

Wishes can come true

I finally had my chance.

Caught up in the beauty

of the moment

I did not listen to the warnings

again I was trapped.

But  love saved me.

Through a chance

of missing glass.

To my jail keepers

I forgive.

To my animal friends

 I rescue

and to my love,

only for you I live

happily ever after.

Survival

I dont know when I actually wrote this....a few months ago I think, and not sure why it never was posted....


  I am guessing maybe in 12:30 in the morning. I sit and I think how crazy unexpected life is.  With Jason I was on one path. it was clear it was good. It worked. That changed and skewed my life on a different path.  It was fast it was also unexpected, but it worked and it is what I thought I needed and wanted. and it still very well may be.  And now yet again, I have had an unexpected turn of events happen in my life.  I am trying hard not to over think and just let it go and be what it is.  It is still so early in my journey, I am not sure where I will end up, which path will ultimately be the right one for me. I have learned to have a lot of fun. I have learned that I need to remember to pray often.  I have learned that souls connect in ways that are way beyond what should be understood, and faith. Faith is so important. not just faith in God, but faith that everything will turn out okay, that I will be okay no matter what because I can survive.

I instead of WE

 5 months ago today was the last time I saw him and spoke to him alive.  I sometimes feel like I dont know what I am doing. I have been with him since I was 18 years old, a baby right out of high school. Now I dont know who I am or who I should be as a single adult. I  never had to experience being a single adult before, and now there are all these questions coming up. Who am I really? What do I want? What do I like? What do I believe?  It was always all about him...or us.  For the most part, I liked what he liked, I followed him everywhere and supported him. I took care of him and the girls. It is all I have ever known. Now that I dont have him to take care of anymore, sometimes I feel so lost and without a purpose. This journey is one crazy ride. I am surving it because I have no choice. I do have good days. I do find reasons to be happy.  But missing him really taks over at times. Grief combined with learning how to be I instead of WE  is not an easy task.  It really is a strange feeling, to be 36 years old, and learning how to be a single adult, combined with dealing with grief.  I am not quite sure how I feel about it yet. I am sure eventually some good will come out of my learning how to be I.  But for now I sit and comtemplate how to become I while missing him and wishing it was still WE.

Blue Dragonflies

9 days to go until 5 months. I always seem to get bad as the date approaches, the week leading up to it, then often the day doesnt turn out to be as bad. I have learned that I really dont know how I am going to react at any given moment, and I just have to let it happen. I miss him like crazy, but I am moving forward, getting through each day even though some days I don't want to.  When I go to the cemetery, I usually pray. I cry. I talk to Jason.  The other day, when I was there talking to Jason, I saw one bright blue dragonfly among several brown dragonflies, right near the gravesite. That dragonfly gave me comfort and hope hovering right over the gravesite.  Comfort that I know he is always watching over us,  and hope that I can make the neccessary changes in my life that need to happen.  I read somewhere that dragonflies represent movement and change.  Exactly where I think I am headed in my life right now, and Jason is guiding me every step of the way.


We are on our last trip of this fabulous summer in San Francisco. I have not been here in a long time. It is really fun to be here, brings back a lot of childhood memories. Spending time with my aunt who lives right here in the city is wonderful too.  The girls have never been here, it has been exciting to see them enjoy the city.  Today we did alot of touristy things. We rode the cable cars, we went to Swensens ice cream, of course we had to do that and pay tribute to my ice cream grandma. I even got strawberry ice cream, just like I did when I was little. Then  we went down near Fishermans Wharf and  Ghirardelli Square,  had a picnic lunch near the water, and of course we bought some Ghirardelli chocolate. Then we went to China Town. The girls had fun looking in all the shops in China Town. Tomorrow is Karissa's golden birthday. She will be 17 on the 17th!  We are celebrating by going to lunch at a tearoom then having birthday cake later on tomorrow night.  Tomorrow we also  plan on going to the Golden Gate bridge, and then we will see where else the day takes us.

 Drangonflies.   Trips.   Birthdays.   What a life!

My Story

Karissa came back from EFY excited that I would really love this song.  I cried listening to it of course, and it fits what I am thinking and feeling right now. I love it. Totally me!  

My Story

when I was a little girl I'd write fairytales
and wonder if they could happen to me
now I see this is my once upon a time
I am the daughter of a king
with every choice that I make
I write the next page

I don't know all the twists and the turns
but my journey is clear
I'm a child of infinite worth
there's a reason I'm here
I'll follow the path that's before me
this is my story

there are days when it seems
the road infront of me is falling apart
and that I can't find my way
but I learned how to rely
on the burning light I have within me
and I'll find faith to move forward
til I can see
just where it leads

I don't know all the twists and the turns
but my journey is clear
I'm a child of infinite worth
there's a reason I'm here
I'll follow the path that's before me
this is my story

through every chapter
my fathers love helps me know who I am
my ever afters a beautiful part
of his bigger plan

I don't know all the twists and the turns
but my journey is clear
I'm a child of infinite worth
there's a reason I'm here
I'll follow the path that's before me
this is my story
this is my story

Free

Month 4 is turning out to be not quite as bad for me. Although I am aware that this could change at any second and I will possibly have a breakdown.  As in my last post about smiles, I have been finding more and more reasons to smile lately. My week without the girls actually turned out to be one of the best weeks I have had in a very long time. I really enjoyed it. I enjoyed being spontaneous. I dont know that I have ever been able to be spontaneous like that in my entire life. I was so young when I became a wife and a mother. It is all I have ever known. Last week I felt more alive than I have in 4 months, and I felt a happiness I dont know that I have ever felt in my entire life. Last week I felt so free.  I will always cherish what I had with Jason. I love the life we built together. But since I have a new path I am going on now, I have a new chance to discover amazing things about myself. What I do have to remind myself of though is that it takes time. I need to be careful when my emotions are still raw.   But wow my new found freedom is changing me in ways  that I never thought possible. Unexpected things have happened. I have a feeling even more unexpected things will happen. Maybe they will be good, maybe they will cause more heartache and pain, although I sometimes think that there is no way that my pain could get any worse. I know Jason is helping me and supporting me every step of the way. I miss him every day. I think I will miss him every day for the rest of my life, no matter what the future holds for me. On this new path I am learning to be strong.  In the midst of confusion and pain I am alive, and  I am free.

Smile

So we went on vacation and it was a lot of fun. We had a good time even though some parts were more emotional. We went to the beach, to Disneyland and a Dodger game. Even though it was hard to do without him, I think  the girls and I learned that we  still have the ability to smile.

Next week will be a challenge for me. I will be alone without the girls on tuesday, wednesday and thursday. When I made these plans, I did not realize what days of the month this would fall on.  The 24th and the 25th are especially hard days of the month for me right now. I am working on finding a way to stay happy on these days. Hopefully my plans will come through. This month it will be 4 months. I cant believe it. In some ways it feels like forever. In other ways it feels like it was just yesterday.  A friend of mine told me that I need to try and focus on happy thoughts. As hard as that is to do, I know that is what I need to do. Anyone who knows Jason well knows that if we could hear him right now he would be saying "Piggy quit your wallorwhooin' and live your life!!!"  Well J baby... if you were here I wouldn't need to be wallorwhooin' now would I? hahaha.  I  will love you forever. I always have and I always will.  For you, I will try and smile.